It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
