you told grandpa to call you daddy
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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