so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
