There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
