Your face is a jimmy john
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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