I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
thus making me awesome and them whores
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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