You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
