i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Walk of Shame today included voting.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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