i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
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