I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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