dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
