I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
