The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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