The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Damn victory sex feels great
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
