I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
