I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
