So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
