my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
