I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
