New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Congratulations! We have a period
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