I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
