I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
