I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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