While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
