No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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