Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
