Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
