After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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