i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
