I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
