I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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