Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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