i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
