Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
