she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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