I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
