Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
