I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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