i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
