I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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