If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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