my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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