spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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