It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
