a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
