Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
