nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
