Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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