believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
