12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
